Stories

I would love to hear about your awakening and your journey.

Please contact me if you would like to share your experiences with the world.

Every effect has a cause. Who knows what little ripple you could start, what insight you could trigger in someone else through your words.

(Stories can be posted anonymously, of course!)

 

My Story

Before awakening I had pretty bad anxiety. I was a ‘worrier’, and although I can’t say that I have zero worries now, I would say they have reduced by at least 80%.

The initial awakening tends to be a pretty terrifying ordeal. Your ego has been found out to be an illusion, and it can’t stay anymore. What triggered my awakening 5 months ago was analysing why I cared about what other people think about me. This is what I wrote in my journal at the time:

“Why do I care so much what people think of me? It’s like I try to jump inside their heads and get an impression of myself, check what my image is like… Oh my God – I just realised that it’s all a facade! I’m using these things as a way to feel like I have a sense of self. It’s like I have to prove my existence. ‘Here, look at me, look what I think, I exist and this is who I am!’ If I don’t repeatedly think about these things, secure my ideas and constantly check how I’m being received, then it’s like I don’t exist at all!

There’s nothing in here. No self that I need to protect!”

It took a few minutes for this to sink in and then something happened. I wrote afterwards:

“I don’t know what the hell just happened to me. I was contemplating the idea of self, then I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, and all of a sudden I was overcome by intense, trembling fear. My eyelids were quivering and I could see white. My heart was pumping I think the fastest it ever has in my life, and my legs were shaking. My mind was racing and I was terrified I was going mad. Then I found myself alternating between intense anxiety and complete calmness and not caring. I kept switching back and forth not sure whether to freak out or not.”

I felt intensely anxious for the rest of the evening. But the next day, something was different:

“I think something has changed within me. It’s strange. I don’t even know if it’s worth explaining, but I guess I will just for documentation purposes. Nothing in specific has changed. My thoughts seem the same, the world seems the same. I guess it’s just the fact that I don’t care anymore! Not in a cold, ‘can’t be bothered’ kind of way, but that drive behind all my thoughts and actions just seems weaker. It’s like I’m not holding on anymore. A worry might pop up, but no sooner has it occurred than I’ve dropped it again. After all, what does it matter!? It’s like there’s a space and a peace here that I can always go back to. 

Last night I woke up a couple of times and felt very calm. That famous quote by Descartes was penetrating my mind – ‘I think, therefore I am’. It seemed significant somehow. I was realising that it was wrong! I am not my thoughts. I am so much bigger than that.

It seems like I’m shrinking back inside my body where I can just watch my thoughts go by. And it’s beautiful. So peaceful.

If I were to draw a diagram it would be like this:

image1 (1).PNGbecoming—>image2 (1).PNG

Ah, a thought of the future just popped up, but there wasn’t that same needing, that same anxiety behind it. That impulse, that craving has just gone! I feel so thankful, so amazed. This feeling might pass, it probably will, and that’s fine too. Everything’s always changing. 

It’s like a miracle.”

Since then it’s like every emotion and pain I’ve ever felt is gradually coming to the surface to be dealt with once and for all. I’ve felt pure rage, had tantrums like a 5 year old, all of it. And my life and worldview are changing dramatically; every day is different. But behind it all there seems to be this sense of knowing, a calmness, a peace that is always observing, abiding, loving. For the first time in my life I feel like I can say I have some idea of what is meant by the term ‘God’. And it’s in each one of us.