Every day is different, and it’s difficult to describe what actually changes with a spiritual awakening, but here is one of my diary entries from November 2016:
“I feel a kind of aching in my heart. Time is going so slowly, and I think I’m really realising that there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do. It’s all the same. Occasionally I’ll think of the fact that it’s eternity, and there’s a slight repelling feeling, but that fear is mostly long gone, just the tiny remnants remain.
I’m just melting into the present moment. And it’s nice. Wherever I am is nice, comfortable. The desire to be somewhere else, in the past or the future, is disappearing fast. Everything is as it is. The trees, the buildings, they just are. Nothing else. Everything feels empty and quiet.
I could sit here for hours, but at the same time I don’t feel any aversion to doing anything else. If I feel moved to speak then I will speak. If someone asks something of me then I’m right there with them. Things just flow. And I am here.
I kind of feel like I’ve finally arrived, after a long, long journey. But at the same time things are still ever-changing. There is still some direction. My soul feels like it’s headed somewhere. But I’m not worried about it at all. Wherever I am is exactly where I’m supposed to be, in the fullness of this moment.
On the surface, it might seem like nothing has changed. My sense of humour is still there. I’m still ‘me’. But behind everything I do I can feel this deepness. How do I describe this deepness? It’s like a deep, deep opening in my chest, which is becoming less raw now and more expansive. I’m relaxing into it.
Increasingly it feels like there is nothing left to come up. All the pain, the hurt, the sadness have already come out. There might be a little more, maybe a few more tears to cry. After all, the journey has been so long; I feel quite overwhelmed.
All of the struggle, all of the questioning, all of the self-doubt and self-hatred. It’s finally over. And I’m so happy. So, so, truly happy, like I’ve never been before.
Finally I can be at peace. Finally. Thank you, God. Thank you so much. Words can’t express my gratitude. It was all worth it, all of it. And I will never doubt myself again.
Just to be alive, that’s all I need. And you will take me where I’m supposed to go. None of the rest matters. I give it up for you. I have surrendered everything to the universe. Take my money, take my family, take my friends. Take all of my so-called ‘securities’. I never really wanted them anyway. All I want is to be connected to you. To be here, where I am. To exist amongst the trees and the birds and the sky.
And now I really realise how I was sabotaging myself the whole time. My inabilty to let go was the only thing that ever kept me from you. You have been here all along. You are my family, you are my friends. But they are no longer ‘mine’; they just are. And they are perfect.
Everything is perfect, just the way it is. And I just want to give, to give all of myself.